How to tell if your Dog is Smoking and/or Drinking!!!

When you come home, tired from work and/or school, you lie on your cushiony Ikea brand couch, and relax. As you turn on the television to see what America has for you today, you smell something. It smells like the smelly smelling smell of a smelly cigarette. But when you see what that smell is, you can't find anything. I bet this has happened to you hundreds of times. No, you are not going crazy. You are incredibly stupid, but you are not crazy. What this actually is . . . . is your pet secretly smoking!!!!! I have found out the secret that ga-jillions of household pets don't want you to know about. The fact they smoke cigars, cigarettes, and even pipes. You think I am crazy? Silly goose. Let me enlighten you on the horrifying truth. *****CAUTION!!!!  Do not read if you love your pet and your fragile soul cannot accept the truth.*****

1. It went for a walk with the kid you paid, and when he comes back, his eyes are redder than usual and he is wearing sunglasses. 
2. It slurs his barking.
3. It sits on his pillow doing nothing. He is actually just hoping for more alcohol, and waiting until he gets a chance.
4. It is wearing Animal shampoo heavily, even though he wasn't before. It's not because you just gave him a bath, but because he is trying to cover the smell of smoke and  alcohol.
5. It is drinks more water than he usually does before taking a walk. He's not thirsty. He just wants to be able to walk without being pulled over by the police.
6. He is carrying many packs of Altoids or Mint gum in his mouth.
7. If he barks angrily at strangers, it is not being protective. He is paranoid and is afraid they will take away its stash.
8. There are track marks on its legs and/or paws.
9. It is easily amused by small sounds or moving objects. Not out of boredom, but because he is high on drugs.
10.Make it walk from one cone to the other. If it sits there or walks somewhere else, he is most likely drunk, and just got back from a big party at his friends house.
11. Make it bark the alphabet. If it does not know the alphabet, teach it to him. If he can't learn it, he is smoking and/or drinking.
12. He is holding an ice pack to his head and whimpering.
13. If he is excited to see you when you get home, and jumps on you, he is actually searching for alcohol or cigarettes. He is just using you to get the things he wants.
14. It's owner gets into a car crash while it is in the car. The driver was not drunk. The pet was, and wanted to pretend he was a race car driver.
15. Check his chew toys carefully. If you find any stuffed animals, he is drinking and/or smoking. He keeps the stuff inside his toys to avoid suspicion and pretends to chew them, while actually smoking.
16. It starts lying to you and coming up with excuses to deny the fact it is drinking and/or smoking. You can tell if he is lying if he starts every sentence with, "Ruff! Ruff! Bark Bark Bark!"
17. If your dog says "Meow," something is wrong.
18.His grades are falling and he is starting to blow off homework and assignments, while making obvious excuses like, "Bark Bark!!"
19. You don't ever misplace your car keys. Your Dog steals them to drive to the nearest gas station,and puts them back whenever  you are not looking.
20. You find out your dog is pregnant, even though you don't know any other dogs.
21. It starts to hang out with punks, gangs, and Dobermans.
22.If it wants to play catch in the park, don't let him. When you throw the frisbee, he will actually run to the grocery store, buy beer, and come back with the frisbee in his mouth after hiding his stash.
23. If he does not eat that chocolate cake/ pie you made, it is because he is so used to the taste of alcohol. Everyone likes Chocolate cake.
24. Throw a wrench at it. If it gets hit in the face, rolls over, and dies, it is a drinker. It drank so much, his reflexes got way slower.
25. If he is laying down with his eyes closed, he is not sleeping. He is just passed out from all of the smokes/alcohol he had.